Shopping

This blog hasn't had a magazine review for a while, so here's a new one. It's the Morrison's supermarket Jan/Feb issue and it's a classic.

"January is a month for looking after yourself and enjoying lots of healthy food ..." are the first words you come across in the editorial. It's not just the editor who thinks so, either.

"January is a good time to cook nutritious meals that taste great and make you feel great, too", says Aldo Zilli on page 31.

Well that's all right then. I'd like to know though which are the months when I shouldn't be looking after myself, and when it is a bad time to cook nutritious meals (or maybe just ones that don't taste great, there's a logical conjunction in there that needs analysing). Should I start on Feb 1 with a big pile of chips? (Actually you can treat yourself to some "moreish" Morrisons chocolate which is much cheaper if you buy two bars*, but I'm not sure when you're allowed to get started on that.)

We know what they mean. We didn't get the Nov/Dec issue but I bet it was all about treats for Christmas (I'd have money on the phrase "long winter nights" turning up, too, no cliche unspoken) and adverts for lots of chocolate. So having persuaded you into all that, now they can press on with ".... lose those extra festive pounds ... how do you cut back without feeling you're missing out?" (I'm back in the editorial again).

If you think I'm cynical, I'm sure I'm not the only one, the Morrisons' (and others') marketing department is there too. Oh, I beg your pardon: "Editorial opinions expressed ... are not necessarily those of Wm Morrison Supermarkets plc ..." Maybe Morrisons don't think I should look after myself in January and Jenn Cooper will get a rocket for saying so? Who can say?

While we're being healthy, Michelin-star chef Paul Rankin "tells us why he loves chip butties". Er, mixed messages? He's got a favourite ingredient .. how cheffy is that? The temptation to put extra-virgin olive oil in his butty must be overwhelming. Or not.

Now some things to put in your diary, I hope you've got plenty of space:
23-29 January is Farmhouse Breakfast Week. No you don't have to go out into some wild cottage in the country thankfully, but it's a campaign to start the day with this important meal. There's a picture of a boiled egg and French bread but otherwise I don't have a clue what a Farmhouse Breakfast is, so you'll have to go to the website www.shakeupyourwakeup.com to find out the events in your area (maybe there is a farmhouse to go to, wouldn't that be fun?) and "inspiring" breakfast ideas.

February is National Heart Month, including Wear Red day on the 25th. The British Heart Foundation is 50 so is having lots of celebrations to raise money (sic).

Bramley Apple Week starts on February 6. It's the best apple for cooking and it's grown only in Britain. I think we should stop being so mean to other countries and export them some trees.

And Feb 3 is Chinese New Year (celebrations on the 6th in Leicester Square) so there are some "healthier" recipes to celebrate. Do you think the Chinese will mind this insult to their culture? I wonder if they produce healthier Christmas dinner recipes for us and what Morrisons would think of them?

(Helpfully, all the recipes in the magazine tell you how much salt, fat etc there are in "one serving", whatever one serving is. I feel a spreadsheet and lots of graphs coming on.)

And don't forget Burns Night on January 25. Start the day with a Farmhouse Breakfast and finish with haggis, neeps and tatties and a whisky sauce (now you're talking).
And the Brighton Half-Marathon on 20 February. I think it's a bit late for me to sign up now though.

There is helpful advice too.

"Wrap rhubarb in plastic and store it in the coldest part of the fridge for up to a week." (Paul Thornton). I wonder if he means to say " ... no more than a week"? Perhaps it's the other way of looking at it.

Now one piece of advice I don't understand though. They give in five categories (energy, sugar, fat, saturated fat, and salt) a Guideline Daily Amount (GDA). This is a new one to me. Is it a recommended amount, a maximum, or a minimum? And why not call it one of these?
The sugar one is called total sugar so that one's clear but the other's aren't so-called, suggesting rather that they're what you should have or work towards - and 2500 calories for a man seems on the low side?

Why's it matter?

Back to the editorial: " .... we've included a few more indulgent recipes to treat yourself to - 30 per cent or under your GDAs". Er, but should I be making sure I get somewhere near the other 70% too? Maybe the chocolate will help me get there? Or a swift couple of pints with the lads?

There are some good things. There are some nice recipes and some for children to get them cooking too. There's very little overtly from "nutritionists" (but I think we need to look at this GDA thing and just how much fat you should have) and the keep fit advice is sensible and practical and not overdone with encouragements for vitamin pills and whatnot. I note that Zumba is an "exiting" (sic) new dance craze. Maybe everyone leaves early?

You can forgive the adverts and it's interesting where the chickens come from (and that the correct weight is 2.25 kg).

Three heaped tablespoons of cooked lentils count as one of your five a day. Geez that's a lot of lentils.

One excellent piece of advice when going shopping. Make a list and "you'll be surprised how much money you save ... you're not tempted to buy more than you really need" I wonder how much the store managers approve of that?

Oh I have to report one piece of sexism before I finish.

The tasting panel (soup this month) has 4 members - all mothers. Not even a token man, far less a balance. Maybe men are thought to be incompetent? Or maybe it's laziness. Must do bettr, Morrisons. But then there's no male customers at all pictured; I suppose some of the letters could be from men. Oh there is Scott, 15, and the packed lunches his mum makes for him.

I wonder what March and April are good months for?

*£1.19 each or 2 for £2. Er, two please!

Money (That's What I Want)

There aren't many upsides to having a not very active bank account, but at least you don't get phoned up by the bank all the time (actually I did the other day, but they haven't troubled to phone back). But my wife does.

Which is interesting. We haven't given them this phone number. And it's not in the book under the name they have. So how did they get hold of it? They have had to actively seek it out .... he doesn't know that we KNOW that.

My wife asked them. He didn't know (I didn't get the name clearly but I don't think it was James this time, it has been him several times before when we lived elsewhere). Or he wouldn't say. We'll call that a fudge rather than anything else. But the lies do come later.

We asked him to delete the number from his records. He said he would. I believe that to be a lie. Even if he wanted to or was able to, his managers wouldn't let him. Because then they couldn't pester us.

We tried the being nice "we know you've been told by your manager ... you've got a horrible job .... but we don't want phone calls" etc. No good. He persists even when it's clear we have no interest in what he wants to say.
He asks if we are satisfied with the service we get from the bank. We say no, the major problem being that they phone us up out of the blue when we do not want it. He doesn't take the hint.

We explained that we know that they phone up because they want to interest us in new "products". He says they don't. So that is lie number 2. Much as it would be lovely to believe what he says - that he sits around thinking about us and worrying that we are not happy with our bank account - it is difficult to believe that the bank would under-employ him in that way. We know he has to make a certain amount of phone calls to show that he is trying to sell some new product (God help him if he has a target quota of positive responses, he's on a loser at this house).

At least this time he didn't try to say - as James once did - that it is not secure having money in their bank and we should move it (over the telephone, for goodness' sake, who the hell is this man, what proof of who he is can he give us?) to an account in which we can't just get at OUR money, we "just" have to phone up to organise it, how is that an improved service?, when the clear answer to insecurity is we should take the whole lot out of this insecure bank. We like having our money on call without having to phone up and all the identity checks that would involve. Oh that time we had "too much" money. He'd sharp complain if we had too little - oh no that's right he'd actually love it as then he can charge us for an overdraft; no we're not falling for that one. We will keep a sufficient float, thank you, he doesn't know our circumstances and we aren't telling him.

Even his own words don't make logical sense, we are doing well he says, so why do we need something different? There was a lot more that was self-contradictory but mercifully I've forgotten it.

Apart from the bloody cheek of the banks trying to advise us how to manage our money, when they can't manage their own. Socks under the bed full of money have never looked so attractive.

New Mysteries

In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Sat-Nav.

No?

I think it has a ring to it.

Fighting For Strangers

Three fixed points in the gaming (and indeed general) calendar:

Beer and Pretzels - third Saturday in May
Midcon - third weekend in November
and
The Live Draft - first (but this year, second) Saturday in September.

You get to annoy people at all three, but perhaps most enjoyably at the Draft when someone has been following a player for several minutes waiting for his chance to draft him - and you take him the pick before. 15 minutes later, Mark said he was still cross with me. Result. And only a L6 Returner who's not quick. But it was at least a more interesting choice than a L3 OG with 65S.

The thing is you know they are only little bits of computer code but you get strangely attached to them. (Groome and John this time are lamenting "old boys" who are now retiring.) So although now they are strangers, you hope in time they will be old friends (unlike several of the little so-and-sos who came to nothing - Groome again, cut a first round pick who never played ..)

Oxygene

Listen.

Can you hear it?

Someone calling?

Someone you know?

God's Spirit is all around, filling the world.

Comforting, warming.

This Spirit is grace and truth and peace and love. He is powerful, always in motion.

He never sleeps.

He wakes those who do sleep. His work is never done.

The Spirit brooded like a bird above the watery abyss. He spoke "LET THERE BE LIGHT" and light appeared.

Power and energy exploded.

He lived in Saul and David, Elijah and Daniel. Dry bones came to life in the desert.

The energy was not spent.

He is persistent, relentless, empowering, encouraging.

As he drove the prophets he drives the saints.

He lived the martyrs, spoke the missionaries, taught the teachers, healed the doctors, thought the thinkers, showed the guides, led the wanderers, found the displaced.

They were all together in one place. There was a wind from nowhere and tongues of fire. It spread through the 12 and they spoke in tongues.

He is lightning and flood and turmoil.

He disturbs, discomforts, distresses, destroys.

And purifies.

He is light that cannot be quenched, heat that cannot be cooled, sound that cannot be silenced.

He is everywhere. He is in you.

He is your guide, your strength, your soul.

Are you listening?

Albatross

Why do everything when you can do nothing?
What is the point of activity?
It's under control or it's not.
What's the difference?
In the end? What means it?
Who is it for?
Still.
The rest is silence (?)

Autobahn

What comes next in the series: 3, 2, 1, 2, 1?

Well it's arguable if that is the right series, I suppose. Technically it's either 3, 1, 2, 1 or 3, 3A, 2, 1, 2, 1. The first is what you see and the second is what is actually the case.

The answer of course is 27.

It is a sequence I've got to know well.

Well it's easy if you live round here. They are the junctions you come to if you drive past Manchester Airport toward the M62 (or M67 if you like).

You come to J3, then the next is 3A (but you skip it; technically it's after J3 but you only come to J3A if you don't go off at J3 in which case you don't get to J2, you eventually finish up at J5 heading toward 6, if you know when to turn left), then J2 (which you don't see since you can't come off at it from an anticlockwise direction) and J1 are on the M56. Then you come to J2 and J1 on the M60 - and then you come to J27 on the M60 and start going down again. (Circular road, geddit?)

But it is a bit of a surprise when you're looking for J2 and you have to go 3, 1, 2 and it's the wrong one. Wha'appen? as you might say. Well it took me a while anyway.

And you come down off the Kingsway and want to go West and you can only go along the M56 although you can practically touch the M60 so then you come off at J2 and along the A560 and up the A5103 (I think) and that does take you on to the M60 at last but you've skipped 4 junctions.

And don't get me started on J18. Nightmare.

But I guess it does actually work. I thought Bristol was bad there you only get in the wrong lane, not the wrong damn motorway.

Let There Be More Light

The salesman from npower came round again to the doorstep, promising to save us money again. What does he think he's doing?

1. He can't possibly know that he can save us money unless he knows things he shouldn't. So he's a liar or he's invaded our privacy. He hasn't done any research, he doesn't know who's not got gas and he doesn't know who owns their house and who doesn't. He doesn't know anything.

2. All the companies say that. Therefore at least all but one are lying or deluded. Or their salespeople are which is just as bad.

3. He expects you to take his word for it! If you ask for a leaflet or something with information to work it out, he hasn't GOT any, let alone any to give out.

4. Who buys off the doorstep like that? You need time to think about it.

5. He's on commission. OK some people on commission really do have a good product, but you still have to have an element of caution. He doesn't care whether you get the right product or if the price will go up as soon as they've locked you into a contract. His money's made.

6. He's got a rotten job. That's no excuse to go around making stuff up. And what confidence do you have in someone if that's his best shot? He's not interested in providing a service (like putting in a gas pipe).

7. Why isn't the pricing simple so you can understand it? Because then you'd see if you had a good deal or not. The power companies aren't competing on price like supermarkets. They couldn't reliably promise to if they wanted to, because of the speculators and the international situation. The point of privatisation was stated to be that competition would drive prices down and thereby be better for consumers. Balderdash and piffle exposed.

Who Do You Think You Are

I'd never seen him like that.

We'd spent a fair bit of time together one way and another up to that point, shared some good times, some bad times, some trying times, but I'd never seen him like that.

He was mostly good with people, patient (too patient), kind, caring (of course, you know that), he made time for people, he listened, he explained - and he forgave of course.

Yes, he got exasperated and he could be forceful, sharp, when he needed to be and he even got a bit cunning on occasion. And he could make his point. I remember after the mountain thing he tore Peter off a right strip - I was never sure exactly why, I think I missed something - but even then he was in complete control of himself.

And sometimes when you thought he'd be right angry he was only a bit sad and disappointed. He was sad sometimes, and tired and frustrated and maybe a bit short but we'd had some laughs too along the way, specially when he told his funny stories. (Some of them weren't so funny when you thought about them, mind.)

And he'd coped with the confrontations and the accusations and the put-downs and the plain lies.

Anyway, this time -

He lost it.

I mean, he really lost it. Completely and utterly. I'd never seen him like that.

It was only a few minutes, but it's stayed with me.

It was near the end and he went into the temple and he saw what was going on and he went berserk.

He was like a wild beast. He went for the nearest table and gave one heave and upended it just like that and all the money went all over the floor and out the door and they were all scrabbling about for it. Someone came up to remonstrate with him and I thought he was going to flatten him but he just pushed him over and carried on, smashing the place up.

We were even going to say something but he turned round and looked at us, just for an instant, that's all, and we froze.

His look stopped us dead. That, and his words - he was roaring, barely coherent - but something about we were all thieves and could we not keep one place holy, just one, and I felt like I was guilty along with all the rest - but I wasn't was I? I'd never seen him like that. And I don't want to see it again, ever, but I can't forget it.

And in a moment the energy went out of him, not surprising, suddenly he realised where he was, I suppose, and he just walked out and we followed him. We gave him a couple of minutes, just in case.

And then we tried to understand.

I got it, I think, eventually.

He could cope, more or less, with the day-to-day stupidity and ignorance and the pettiness and selfishness of us all, yes me too, but the thing that sent him over the top was the deliberateness, the knowingness of it. It was like a defiance.

I think something happened to him from it - it seemed to give him the last bit of determination that maybe he needed that week.

But anyway from that few minutes, I think I learned something I hadn't really worked out before. I understood now about floods and plagues and fires and exiles. I understood that God could get angry.

And I never want to see that again.

Blinded me with Science

A very good programme on Horizon on Tuesday in which David Baddiel explored education. The hook was that he wanted as a parent to know if you could balance attainment with, well I suppose being "normal", emotionally healthy or whatever. It did rather turn into the usual travelogue of 10-minute pieces and opinions which were not summarised let alone compared and contrasted but at least it was an attempt to do some science ie examine a few theories and the evidence provided rather than a weak form of sociology which is normally what you get.

BBC doesn't seem to do transcripts any more now, it's just "33 days to watch it again on I-player" so pending me doing that I'll have to go from memory.

Very struck by the teacher who reckoned there was a 3-word weasel phrase you should never use - "you're so clever". See the point; you lock the child into a success-oriented pattern where they can't try anything new or challenging in case they suddenly look not-clever. Hard to avoid, but David at least found "I can see you've worked really hard" which looks OK. I guess "you've done really well" is borderline acceptable.

But then paying kids who do well seemed pretty successful too. Blow delayed gratification, get them started on reward now (money!) and they'll see the benefits immediately and get them into a pattern. Note the reward is for consistency - full attendance - and effort put in. There would have to be some allowance for kids who get sick?

Slightly concerned about the two lads 8 and 10 who have respectively GCSE and A-level Maths and want to be actuaries - just what their dad wants them to be. Still they seemed happy and friendly and to have a secure home life. I wonder if they'll still want the same thing at 14 and at what age anyone will actually let them be an actuary, which seems to be a pertinent and unexplored point. David did say the proof was in the eating.

And have we learned to teach reading at last? Don't hold your breath. Phonics (or phonetics?) is still in but the research evidence is still a bit thin (admittedly really difficult when you can't have a control group, but still no attempt at really proving why it works). Some interesting ideas on dyslexia that it is really about sounds and not shapes. More to say there. And a proper mention of dyscalculia and an an experiment that seemed to replicate it? Now that is science.

No-one really knows how anyone learns anything though.

Money (That's What I Want)

Two classic quotes from Shakespeare.

The first is from Henry V (I think, willing to be corrected):

"First thing, let's kill all the lawyers".

The second is from Hamlet:

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be".

There speaks a man who had a mortgage.

Which is unlike me, since two weeks ago today. Brave new world?

Remember Me

I am not a big shopper. I don't have many store cards. In fact, now I have one less. I used to have one with a clothing store, name begins with B, you know them.

So I was going past the other day and they had an offer on of 20% off for all card holders. Well that had to be worth a look. The only problem was that when I found something and took it to the desk, the card wasn't recognised. Yes, it's all paid off, not missed a payment.

Phoned up. (Call centre in India, possibly. Certainly no-one who could do anything, of course, been there with npower yada-yada and others.) It had been cancelled 3 weeks before. (Nobody bothered to tell me, warn me.) Hadn't used it enough.

OK, I know it's a loyalty card. It's supposed to encourage "repeat business" in the jargon. But if it gets cancelled - no warning, remember, no "if you want to keep your card active, let us know", no offers "as a valued card member, we'd like to suggest ..", nothing, not even a note "it's 20% off next Thursday" (I happened across it, recall), you know that might have produced a sale, I think, then what is it?

It's the second time it's happened (I went back once and filled all the forms in again for a new one - but you don't want to keep doing that) and therefore what I have now is a disloyalty card. Which is surely no good to anyone?

(And all this in the middle of the worst recession for ages - do they want to sell?) Really.

This Old House

There used to be a recurring sketch/character on one of Paul Whitehouse/Harry Enfield's shows, about an estate agent who knew nothing but could only state the obvious (eg "this is the kitchen") and answered every question with "I don't know".

I didn't use to find it very funny, like most of their sketches it's a one-joke concept and it very quickly gets boring. (Tangent: Funny characters are one thing, but you have to do something with them, it seems to me. Whatever happened to jokes and wit?)

Anyway I now realise it wasn't intended as a joke or even a parody. It's a vicious expose of the real-life case.

When an estate agent takes someone to see a house, and that house is literally round the corner from the estate agent's office (one minute's walk), then you might expect the estate agent to know that the street that the house is on is a one-way street (has been for 10 years) and you might expect her not to bring the prospective buyers through a no-entry sign and drive their cars the wrong way up that one-way street.

You would apparently be wrong.

The first rule of selling is "know your product". Not "turn up with no knowledge or information and find out about it along with the people you are trying to sell to".

I despair.

Silence is Golden

Speech is only silver.

















The more words you use, the less you say.

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

The difference between a prophet and a priest.

A priest always sees signs of a spiritual revival. (It's an occupational hazard.)
A prophet never does. (Ditto.)

A priest will tell you what they hope.
A prophet will tell you what they fear.

Holiday

I was challenged to write about my holiday, so here it is. One of the places we went to was New Lanark, where we learned about Robert Owen.

Robert Owen founded the community of New Lanark and invented primary education, the Co-op (originally the Co-operative Wholesale Society) and thereby ethical trading, and trade unionism, and his son founded the Smithsonian Institute. Not bad for one lifetime.

He believed the job of the wealthy was to help the poor (which he did), to help them to better themselves by education (which he did) and not to exploit them (that may depend on your current point of view, but for the time he was very enlightened). He believed that workers could be encouraged without the threat of sacking and that to improve their behavious it was only necessary to note it (and it worked, by all accounts). He was attacked in the newspapers for his ideas by those too cowardly to give real names.

He believed that education was the key to living in harmony and he foresaw a New Millennium when all would be able to live together without discord. He campaigned against child labour and did not use it in his mills - when everyone else did. He eventually got a Bill passed, even if it was so watered down by the vested interests that it was nearly useless.

Why is he not better known (Scotland does better in this regard and he has been on postage stamps.?

Maybe because:

1. He was Scottish.

2. He didn't see any benefit in religion.

3. His ideas are still unpopular today.

Take your pick.

The Sun Has Got His Hat On

... which is fine, he can do that. But I wish he wouldn't bang on the window so early in the morning to ask me to come out to play.

I do like the long days of summer, that it's light when you are ready to get up and stays light until you're nearly ready to go to bed. (Already the nights have drawn in a bit, beginning to get dark at about half nine and it's only July, but hey.)

But when the bedroom faces east and the sun shines in through even thick dark curtains and wakes me up it can be a bit tiring and increase the chance of me needing an afternoon nap or falling asleep in Eggheads. 4 o'clock, I ask you. Even nearly five is still very early for those of us who really do need our eight hours at least.

Time to have British Double Summer Time? Then it wouldn't get light till six and would still be good at ten?

The R-word

The most feared word in magazine publishing, at least according to the film "13 Going on 30". So we won't even whisper it. We just do it. Seems the time for it (probably should have been done long ago).

Hanging on the Telephone

The telephone is ringing off the hook with calls from beautiful blondes, and when it's not then I'm calling out, selecting from options, being re-routed to the person who actually knows something (sometimes) or can do something (less often) or can actually sort out the problems caused by other people (very rare). It takes three or more goes of course before someone answers and even then "your call is very important to us" well why don't you bloody answer it then is the sort of response you might give "our lines are very busy" I'm not surprised with the standard of service you generally get.

I've been threatened with debt recovery procedures by npower, Darlington Borough Council and Carlyle Finance, notwithstanding the fact that the first two of these don't actually know how much I owe them (or indeed whether they in fact owe me) and the last has a different figure to me and can't explain why in a way that I can understand. Certainly none of them can provide accurate statements of account, invoices, receipts or any of the documentation that you might expect from a company that knows what it's doing day-to-day. Oh and Angela had a letter threatening to cut off the gas, don't know who that's from, but it's because they can't get the address right or realise that sometimes people move house (I'm not making this up).

In addition there's the banks. There was a man (true story, this, it was on Radio 4 and everything) who got so pissed off with the Yorkshire Bank that he changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank Are Fascist Bastards plc and got it put on his Yorkshire Bank cheque book. He was wrong, of course, in that he should have changed his name to All Banks are Fascist Bastards plc especially Northern Rock (and you'd think they were into customer service lately having made all our shares worthless through unadulterated greed). When they realise what a balls-up they've made of everything, who ends up bailing them out? You and me. It's enough to make you go back to keeping it in a sock under your bed, at least it might be safer there. So the rules on mortgages have all been switched even when you've been promised that everything will work out. The canard that the banks are there to help the customer (and it looks like it is all banks) has been well and truly found out.

Anyway back to the telephone. Most of the time you get through to a very nice Customer Service Assistant who explains very politely that no he/she can't do anything about it, the computer's in charge and he/she can't override it, but he/she can explain exactly what the computer is thinking (no-one else there does any, obviously) and if you're lucky he/she says "oh don't worry about the gas getting cut off" which is all very well for him/her and James in fact couldn't say that this time despite what the previous girl (Fiona?) had said last month. So you have to do their work for them because clearly they can't get anyone to read the meter (they're all on the phone instead) but 250 miles is quite a long way to go just for that.

To be fair to Darlington Borough Council and their James (there's two, keep up) he did phone back with a much reduced figure which might even be claimable back at some unspecified point in the future (still no invoice, but hey I can get a receipt) and even Alison is a person in her own right who can make arrangements on the spot and is not a mouthpiece for the computer, even if letters arrive somewhat unexpectedly when you thought a Direct Debit would naturally keep things under control. (I'm still waiting for an invoice from Social Services which doesn't seem to be forthcoming.) On the other hand, to sort anything out you have to speak to a minimum of three different people in three different offices with different phone numbers (and not the one they tell you to ring on the letter) because they don't communicate with each other. It's called division of responsibilities, at least that's the polite name for it.

And I still have to ring back the Management Officer of Rockwell House (promise unfulfilled) - so that I can ring npower and go round that loop again - and Carlyle Finance haven't come up with a receipt to show that yes it is all paid off despite the best efforts of Northern Rock. Oh and where's my cheque from BT? (This time I do have a letter saying they owe me, strewth, talk about small mercies.) So it's back to more Vivaldi how much can one man write?

Hymn

Give us this day all that you showed me.
The power and the glory
till my kingdom comes.

Give me all the storybook told me
The faith and the glory
till my kingdom comes.

And they said that in our time all that's good will fall from grace.
Even saints would turn their face in our time.
And they told us that in our days
Different words said in different ways
Have other meanings from he who says in out time:

Give us this day all that you showed me

And they said that in our time we would reap from their legacy
We would learn from what they had seen in our time.
And they told us that in our days
We would know what was high on high
We would follow and not defy in our time.

Give us this day all that you showed me

Faithless in faith
we must behold the things we see.
Give us this day all that you showed me . . .

Cross/Cann/Currie/Ure

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

There used to be an old military joke:

Q: What's the most dangerous situation you can face?
A: An officer with a map.

The modern civilian equivalent:

Q: What's the most dangerous thing on the road?
A: A lorry with a sat-nav.

Do You Feel Like We Do?

I'm feeling vibrant today. This is a good thing. We should all feel vibrant and we should be vibrant in what we do. I hope you are all vibrant and that the things around you and the places you go are vibrant.

I hope that you know when you are vibrant and when the things around you are not vibrant and that you can be vibrant despite not everything being vibrant and that you can help everything to be vibrant because then everything will be all right.

And when you know that you are vibrant please find out what it means to be vibrant and why that is not just the same as thrilling (which is the poor old dictionary's best attempt, unless you want to feel resonant or vibrating, which I think are completely different things) and then be sure that you want to be thrilled all the time and not be old and tired once in a while.

And then come and tell me - but when trying to tell me what vibrant means you are not allowed to use words that don't mean anything or mean all different things to all different people.

It's All In the Game

Time to catch up on three more results before the final game of the season on Tuesday.

Blundering a pawn on move 11 is not the best thing to do. However I get a surprising amount of counterplay and the basis of an attack. The Draw Specialist does what he does best. Has to be said that the opponent was a bit cautious.

Winning a pawn is much better. What was supposed, after 1. c4, to be a quiet strategic game turns into into a wild tactical melee in the centre of the board with his knights dodging all over the central files and me giving myself a backward e-pawn in a desperate attempt to avoid a crushing attack down the e- and f-files. Well in the end it looks to me like I can take his weak central pawn and if he can see better through it than I can he deserves to win. But he can't. So a pawn up in the centre of the board - force the queens and knights off (OK not quite forced but awkward to avoid) to a rook ending. But all rook endings are drawn? Not this one. Carefully advance the backward pawn till it is the front one, swop off to make it passed, the rooks come off and the king is far enough forward so that the opposition makes the win. Job done. Pity that we still lost the match 2.5 to 3.5.

And then one that really is a positional game. Good for the Chigorin Defence to the Queen's Gambit. The key move, the winning move is 5 ... B x f3 - because he gets a doubled pawn. So that when we get to a same-bishop endgame my 3v2 on the Q-side is mobile and his 4v3 on the kingside is crippled - not helped by the fact that all through I have slightly had a lead in development which turns into initiative which turns into a king slightly further up the board. Finally with the threats available (good old Nimzovitch, a threat is stronger than its execution) 3v2 becomes 1v0 and 4v3 gets completely stopped on the same colour the bishops are on. And one drops off and even though the bishop looks trapped, there's a safe maneouvre to get it out and the when the bishops are forced off the king has to take the outside passed pawn which leaves me enough time to take all his. Always put your pawns on the opposite colour square to your bishop. My word, two wins in a row. +4 in division 2 and +2 in division 4.

The Visitors

Since we got a name-check on Ruby's blog, I thought I should finally add the link that I've been meaning to do for ages.

Don't Take Away My Music

People have different things that they consider important in a car. It can be the engine power and the 0-60 time. It can be a go-faster stripe and alloy wheels. It can be space in the boot and leg-room in the back, or a packet of sweets in the glove compartment and air-conditioning. It can be enough headlights to light a film set. I like to have a heated rear window for cold mornings and a sound system for every morning.

Well the heated rear window still works.

But tomorrow we shall again be able to play Ensiferum so that the windows rattle. Happy is the man who has a warranty.

The Hunter

Some results the Draw Specialist get are achieved easily (too easily, even). Some take a bit more work.

Yes, another draw on board 3. This one a bit different. I sacrificed a rook (R x b2+, he didn't see that coming) on move 21 for what I hoped would be a winning attack with a perpetual in hand. It wasn't a winning attack and he managed to find the way out of the perpetual. So I played on a rook down.

A glorious king-hunt, chased the White King from b1 to h3.

At one point the other rook was hanging, too, for at least 3 moves. Threats of mate in 2 (there might have been a mate in 1) were ignored, mainly because there was no way to defend them. Initiative is everything.

At the death he has a pawn ready to promote with check. (My king is on g5 by this point, his pawn is on g2 and g1 is guarded by his rook.) And then I finally forced a perpetual. Draw agreed on move 51; all I have left is queen and a few pawns, in just the right places.

Thirty moves played a rook down (a pair did get swopped at one point) achieves a draw. Is this a record?

My team-mates said I was lucky. I said I always had the draw. You just have to know how to play it.

Sadly, the team lost - to the bottom of the division, see last week - as Boards 5 and 6 yielded only half a point and Glen on 4, despite playing well (their board 4 got a bit distracted by the fireworks on 3), winning at one point, misplayed the ending and eventually lost a piece. 2-4. Heigh-ho.

Still, it was fun.

Bicycle Race

On the news today, a story about how Britain's cyclists are to be helped in their Olympic efforts (sigh) by technology designed for the Eurofighter. A helmet will give them a Heads Up Display while they are competing, showing info to help them in their quest for a medal. Mentioned was the power they are producing so they can find the "sweet spot" behind the leader. Other details I didn't catch, or possibly they didn't want to name.

Hang on. Is anyone else a bit disturbed by this?

Surely the Olympics are about the best athletes not about who has access to the best technology? (I leave aside the area of drugs for the time being.) There's already sufficient technology in the fact of the equipment available - the bike - to make competition an uneven playing field. (Compare motor racing: the best drivers are the best - but they have a huge technological advantage, everyone knows it, and the sport is diminished by it.)

I daresay there is an uneven playing field in the area of training facilities, nutritional advice (I'm still not talking drugs but I might be) and I daresay that the athletes of some countries which are poorer than GB are already at a disadvantage. And we are adding to this?

Now if the cyclists by training discover the sweet spot, fine, more power to them. If training improves their skills on pacing themselves and whatever else, good. The pursuit of excellence.
If the technology helps train them to know the sweet spot, well maybe, they still have to do it themselves to some extent, I suppose. (Thinks: this might have been the intention. Not clear.)

But if this is to be used in a race, no. Unless it is freely available for all athletes to use (or not, if they prefer not to).

I call on the British Government to put pressure on Team GB (or whoever is organising this initiative) to make this technology available to anyone who wishes it. In the interest of fairness.

We don't want to be a nation of cheats, do we? Oh.

Sing When You're Winning

Yesterday's chess match was one of the most thrilling ever. This is my report on it.

Background info: we are second bottom in the division. Our opponents, Clevedon, are second top, relegated last season from division 1. Promises to be a toughie. However our captain, Steve, points out that there are a lot of teams in the middle very close together and that if we win, we go third. I point out that actually we go fifth on board count. We compromise on "equal third" not worrying that other teams will also be playing tonight and some of them have to score points ...

Our team is:
Board 1: Andy, most improved player last season, stepping up to the mark again
Board 2: Steve, with no wins this season
Board 3: me, undefeated but mostly draws
Board 4: Glen, currently with the best grading performance in our club this season
Board 5: Phil, who gets into and out of positions you wouldn't believe
Board 6: Anthony, the smart one (but not today)

Odd board numbers are playing black, as usual.

I get to watch quite a few openings since my opponent is really taking his time (and seems to have had a tough day at work, given by his yawns). Glen has a strong centre, Andy seems to have a loose kingside, a shortage of space and no desire to castle; his opponent's king is also remaining in the centre, with an h-pawn advance. I play the usual Caro-Kan but in response to Nf6 I get not NxN ch doubling my pawns (I of course would play gxf6 like Miles against Karpov) but the retreat Ng3. Which seems to leave my white-square bishop a problem. I lock it in with e6 and start thinking about a Q-side fianchetto.

Meanwhile Andy has played Qxb2 and declines to play Qxa2 in response to Rb1. I can't see the trap ... still a pawn up is a good start.
I get in c5 and cxd4 rather easily and have to think what to do next. Nc5 looks good, forcing Bc2. What now? Develop the Q-side what a good idea. Nh5 really forces g6 but seems to do no harm - he doesn't even force off the dark bishops.

However Nc5 seems to lead inevitably to a threat of a rook on the seventh. Just as he's about to achieve it though, after a bit of swapping off, he offers the draw that I hadn't expected. I accept with alacrity. I wouldn't have offered one there, even with opposite bishops. This time it wasn't the Draw Specialist making the running in splitting the point. All done by half-nine and time to watch some others.

Andy is still a pawn up with a George Crockart-type structure and rooks going to be doubled on the c-file. Still squashed but looking like breaking out. Anthony is dominating the board with a massive space advantage but as pieces get swopped the defence looks easier and counter-play seems easier. Phil wins a pawn and looks comfortable. Steve has a nice-looking centre, but what to do? Is the sacrifice playable? Oh, there go a pair of bishops, perhaps not. Glen's opponent refuses a draw offer, quite a fair one I thought what with Glen's passed pawn securely blocked.

Richard is watching with me and I say prophetically "we could win this with four and a half or lose by the same" and he agrees. The match is heating up nicely. Anthony still looks like he is winning but if that passed e-pawn moves there will be mate threats (after some Q manoeuvres it does and there are, but he has it covered). 1-0.

Phil and Andy both have opposing Qs in their defence. Andy gets rid of his but Phil has to play very delicately, not taking a pawn until the second opportunity, but this seems to be his opponent's last desperate throw and suddenly Phil is a knight up with only rooks on in addition. Careful play and he closes it out. 2-0.

Andy is short on time. He's broken out, bits everywhere, particularly the knights look to have had sone fun, but he's repulsed although his opponent seems relieved. 2-1. Steve is losing. The sacrifice didn't work although I thought he missed a chance to win the piece back (surely Qe5+ works?) and he's got not just a Q in his defence but a rook too. So I go to watch Glen.

I'm not sure where it came from but his opponent misses some tactics and Glen goes a pawn up in a same-bishops ending. That pawn secures the sacrifice of the bishop so it's two v two all on one side but Glen has a bishop. Slightly behind in the race to the Q-side he plays the B to a3 where I would have gone to f6. But it seems to work - I don't think I would have advanced the black pawns, I think Kb1 was the way to go - and when Black resigns against a lone pawn and bishop with his K stranded I say "You've just won us the match, Glen." "Have I?" he says when Steve says "Excuse me, but I won it a few seconds ago". And he did too. Apparently there wasn't the mate his opponent thought and Steve has won with sixteen seconds left on his clock. A captain's performance. Even he can't quite believe his first win this season. Four and a half to one and a half against one of the strongest teams in the division.

So we are third. Or fifth. Or third equal. Or somewhere. And as Richard points out, if we lose next week we'll be back to second bottom. Still that's another day.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Well the shopping is all done now, I do like to do it in good time, and the tree was up a few days ago. Points West want me to be really "festive"; when I find out what that means perhaps I'll have a go. However when they are so relentless it's easy to see that the Puritans may have had a point.

Grumpy, moi? No.

Merry Christmas to all, peace, goodwill etc. Normal service resumed in the new year (maybe). Busy, busy, busy.

Go Wild in the Country

(observ8n)

i c u
i .
u c me
u .
we . . .
u x no me
i wil x hrt u
.
u r cool
u rn & jmp
ur frenz r ther
find cheez

bye

Chalk Mark in a Rainstorm

Oh Lord why have you abandoned me?
You have cast me aside.

Why do you allow my enemies to prosper?
They have influence and power.

Where are you hiding?

I looked to the hills but I did not see you there.
I went to the end of the motorway but I did not find you.
I wander along the hedgerows and you are not there.
I do not see you in your temple.

I know you are there, but you are not here. I cannot hear you.

Ch-ch-changes

It's right to stutter over this word. Not all change is for the better but all change is scary hard work.

But it has to be done. Even if you can't see what the result will be.

The theme of this evening was change. Looked for, resisted, uncertain, and too difficult. And particularly when it doesn't end up in paradise.

Doesn't make you want to do it, does it?

Don't Make Promises (You Can't Keep)

1000 years of monasticism.
500 years of paternalism.
200 years of Dissent.
A decade of evangelism.

20 years of incomprehension.
20 years of blindness.
10 years of wilful blindness.
30 years of avoidance.
15 years of dementia and false hope.
How many years of terminal decline?

The Song Remains the Same

In the absence of winning a ticket to the real thing, went last night to see Whole Lotta Led at the Fleece. (Still might win a ticket?)

The vocalist was not Robert Plant, and didn't quite have his vocal range - but he had his style and his heart and he sang blues and rock with passion and power. 9/10. Since I've Been Loving You was fantastic.

The bassist played a wonderful No Quarter and the drummer played Moby Dick like you've never seen. He could have played all night, and I think he wanted too. Both 9/10. Maybe that's harsh.

But the guitarist was astonishing. No-one is Jimmy Page, but this is as near as you could want. He was ferocious, tender and exciting. The players may change but the song remains the same. Off the scale.

And if the song is good enough and still relevant, the song can remain the same. Only if the song is dated does it need to change. But which songs should remain the same and which need a new riff? A 12-inch remix? A live version? (We can always use a live version.)

No D'yerMak'er, alas. To lament it would be to quibble, to ask too much.

Everything that's small has to grow. And it has to grow!

Dinosaurs

You can imagine the sort of comment the early mammals made while waiting for the comet to strike.

"I don't mind them being so big and stupid, but why do they have to eat all the fruit? There'll be none left when they've finished."

And the dinosaurs saying "When we've gone you can eat what you like. Until then, leaves and branches was good enough for my grandfther and it's good enough for me." (The dinosaurs are too stupid to put it so coherently, but hey that's artistic licence for you.) And of course they were bigger, if not faster, so it was difficult to shove them out of the way.

But these days not only do the dinosaurs eat all the fruit but they uproot all the trees and they don't give you space to plant any more. So not only will the next generation not have any fruit to eat but they wouldn't know what it was if you gave it them.

Mathematics

Define F(N), the factor-sum of N, on integer N, as the sum of the proper factors of N. Formally F(N) = Σi, i divides N, i = 1 to N-1.

Further define Q(N), the quotient-factor of N, Q(N) = F(N)/N.

In common usage:
Q(N) = 1, N is perfect
Q(N) < 1, N is deficient
Q(N) > 1, N is abundant.

Previously existing result:
N is perfect if N = 2^n x (2^(n+1) - 1), provided (2^(n+1) - 1) is prime.
It is not known whether all perfect numbers are of this form.

Preliminary results:
If P is prime, F(P) = 1 and Q(P) = 1/P. Clearly, for e, there exists N s.t. that Q(N) < e.
Primes are maximally deficient.

If N = P^n, where P is prime, F(N) = (P^n - 1)/(P - 1), Q(N) = (N-1)/N(P-1)
For particular P, Q(P^n) tends to 1/(P-1) as n tends to infinity.
In the case P = 2, F(2^n) = 2^n - 1 and Q(2^n) tends to 1.
Integers of the form 2^n are minimally deficient.

Question: Are there other N such that F(N) = N - 1?

If N is abundant, any multiple of N is abundant with greater factor-quotient. (See following lemma; more fractions are added when a multiple is derived.) Formally, if M divides N, then Q(N) > Q(M).

Lemma
For all n, there exists N s.t. Q(N) > n. (Abundancy increases without limit.)
Proof
Q(N) is the sum of fractions of the form 1/n. Since Σ1/n diverges (well-known result), Q(N) is unbounded.

Therefore it is possible to define N is abundant-S if Q(N) >= S and assert that there exists an infinity of abundant-S numbers, whatever the value of S. For instance, 120 is abundant-2 (the smallest such).

Question: Find for each integer N, find the smallest M such that Q(M) ³ N

Further Result:
Since the sum of the odd fractions can also be shown to diverge[1], there is also an infinity of odd abundant-S numbers. The first odd abundant number is 945 and the smallest odd abundant-2 number is believed to be 1 018 976 683 725, which has Q-value 2.0107.

Define N is super-abundant if Q(N) > 1 and Q(N) > Q(n) if N > n. (Informally, a new record is set.)
The first super-abundant number is the first abundant number, 12. Q(12) = 1.33. (The record-holders that are not abundant are 2, 4 and 6.) The set of super-abundant numbers has infinitely many members. (A record-holder will be beaten by any multiple, from result above.)

Question: Find the super-abundant numbers.

[1] The proof is similar to that of the full series. Consider the series 1/3 + 1/5 + 1/7 +1/9 ... If we successively group 1, 3, 9, 27 ... terms ie 1/3 + (1/5 + 1/7 + 1/9) + (1/11 + ... + 1/27) + ... it is clear that the series is greater than 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3 +1/3 ... and therefore diverges (slowly).

It has been necessary to replace some symbols unsupported by this font by words in the above.

On the Road Again

I've been catching rays
On motorways
Listening to tunes
In afternoons

A big 90 is a trip to the north.

Now a quick return for one of two calls from Chesters.

A Team Player

Not every chess team has one, but those captains who have access to one prize them highly; they have some rather rude names, but one polite one: The Draw Specialist.

They are usually in the older age bracket. In their youth they may have been unpredictable, exciting, volatile, with wild attacking games, imaginative sacrifices and disastrous opening strategy. Now they have one opening against each of the two major opponent's moves, e4 and d4, generally obscure, stodgy and devastatingly simple, which they routinely wheel out. The Caro-Kan, say. Or something vaguely sound but which no-one has heard of, let alone plays anymore. The Chigorin Defence to the Queen's Gambit. As White they play something sound and strategic (ie c4 or d4 or both) so that no tactical surprises can occur while they are watching other people's games.

Some play Nimzovitch over-protection; make sure everything is solidly protected and wait for something to happen. Defend doggedly until the opponent over-reaches and offer a draw while he is shell-shocked at the defensive technique. Some just seem to be lucky, or clearly offer a draw too soon, at the psychological moment. "Perhaps I should have played for the win, but I didn't see it coming through."

The captain respects them, though. They play Board 2 or 3. The top boards will play their interesting theoretical stuff and that will go one way or another. But one of the opposition's threats is carefully neutralised, so that the bottom boards, playing down one, have that extra edge to give them the win. Three wins at the lower end and a draw on board 2 will do. They sacrifice their interesting ideas to the team's victory.

It does depend of course on the rest of the team doing their job, of course. But they have great (if misplaced) faith.

And when the rest of the team all lose, honour is upheld. Five and half against is not a whitewash. Today two and a half for - and someone drew a game he should have won, surely? (thought that in earlier weeks, too). Nearly there.

Three games, three draws; two solid and one rather lucky. One third of the whole team's game points (one half before today!). At least it's better than last season which started with four straight and appallling defeats (and the one where the play wasn't too bad came up against Mighty Megan, who exploits older men's weaknesses to an extent that a £200-per-hour lapdancer would be proud of).

A team player.

Abundance

Find the next number in the sequence:

2, 4, 6, 12, 24, 60, 120 ...

I believe I know the next three but there seems to be a big gap later on so I'm doubtful whether 840 really is on it. And is there really nothing between 2520 and 27720 (assuming these are on it)? Research continues.

A slightly easier related (provably expanded?) sequence goes:
2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 18, 20, 24, 30 ...

Edit: Discovered an error in the top sequence. To be updated later.

Hypothetical

What would happen if the designated worship leader didn't have an order of service? (I mean really didn't have one, not just hadn't written it down?)

Would anyone mind?

What should happen when we go to worship? Do we expect it to?

The R Word

This blog was started to help process the overload, in various ways, that was coming in while I was at College, which is why it slowed down in holidays and has been absent lately. So it was a bit reactive and didn't in fact do what it said on the tin. Perhaps it now can be a bit more proactive and initiating. (This is as close to a statement of intent as I can get right now.)

I won't change the name as there was precious little theology in it anyway (an issue in itself, ho-hum). Let's see if we can do better. But it's likely to be a grab-bag (that's the polite term, I believe) of what I'm working on at any given moment. Let's not make promises we can't keep. But we will see if anything can be revisited. Don't hold your breath.

Aspirational TV

I've discovered a wonderful new TV programme called Jane and the Dragon. It's about (ostensibly) a girl who wants to train to be a knight when everyone else, including her mother and father, wants to pigeonhole her into being a lady-in-waiting like her mother. Even her friends aren't sure about her ambition, but at least the rules are applied fairly by Sir Theodore, although he is a daft old ... knight. So she sets out to kill the dragon but instead befriends it and brings it back to the castle. Which isn't always appreciated as it should be.

Why she wants to be a knight when the examples around are less than honourable beats me, but I suppose it's better than being a lady-in-waiting, even if the young princess who smells of lavender is quite nice really.

There's a website although Jester hasn't fully finished it, so no link here. Google it and you'll find it. Programme is Saturday and Sunday mornings on Five.

In other news, I'm hoping to meet a man with seven wives.

Rock Your World

According to New Scientist, researchers have been making recordings to show what sounds come out like on other worlds, in preparation for sending recording equipment there. Atmosphere density and composition changes the harmonics. So now they know what Smoke on the Water sounds like on Venus and Titan. ("I should have doen thunder, but I couldn't resist" says the producer.)

On Venus it's much deeper and punchier and on Titan it's much louder. So that's next holiday sorted.

A British Champion

Who says chess isn't exciting?

This afternoon is the last day of the British Championship and I doubt it's ever been so tense in the last round. The two leaders are the number 8 and 12 seeds, by half a point over numbers 1, 3, 4, 7, 10 and 11. 5 and 9 are half a point behind those two and number 2 seed is off the pace (!) a further half point behind. Now 12 is playing 10, 7 v 8, 1 v4 and 3 v 11. Any of these can therefore finish up first or equal first if the results go their way.

I've been watching live the last few days as Jacob Aagaard (12) has tried to blow a colossal lead. At 6.5 out of 7 he looked like a winner all the way; after 1 point from the next 3 games he's been demoted to Board 2, but is still guaranteed at least a share of first place (with up to one other) if he wins, and a draw will do it unless the game on board 1 is a win for White (potential for up to a four-way tie, if boards 3 and 4 are decisive one way or the other. A draw can't give him the title outright). Another defeat will leave him nowhere, relatively.

I note that Jacob has played (including this afternoon's game) the players currently lying in positions 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9 and 10. So I think he'll deserve it if he wins. Averaging the gradings of opponents, he has played the highest average of anyone, equal with the number 4 seed, Nick Pert. Jacob drew with the number 1 seed and beat numbers 3, 4, 5 and 9.

Jacob plays under the Scottish flag. The Scots do seem to have a lock on the championship in recent years .... (Famous last words.)

UPDATE:
Well every bit as thrilling as anticipated. No short draws with so much at stake. Aagaard won a pawn at the cost of an open g-file to his king, and contrived to lose the exchange. Pawn for the exchange then, but pressure against his king-side ....

Rowson beat Pert, so that's one player on 8. Hebden plugging away, but lost his a-pawn and facing an advanced passed d-pawn ... (which disappears with surprising speed)

On board one Gordon, needing a win for 8.5 to overtake Rowson, had a pawn for the exchange ... but I was never convinced his attack was going anywhere. Aagaard I felt could always resist the pressure but one slip and it would be over. Much tense manoeuvring.

Suddenly Kosten gets two rooks round the back of Gordon's defence, whose bishop is pinned to his queen and behind that the king. But the Black king is suddenly exposed ....

Howell beats Williams with 25 seconds left on his clock. (You can make a lot of moves in 25 seconds.)

I don't understand all the pawn captures in Hebden-Haslinger but it looks drawish, two bishops v bishop and knight. Yes, there it goes, in 62 moves. And Aagaard has two passed rook pawns. Now you don't see that too often. He must win, surely? Yep, thought so. Resignation after the second time control, move 60. Both players down to last two or three minutes before that. So can Gordon break through? I didn't think so. Drawn on move 61 - Haslinger can repeat moves and Gordon can't afford not to.

The winner is Aagaard, after all. I'm pleased for him.
Second equal, Gordon, from Oldham, and Rowson from, er, Aberdeen?

Strange Echoes

Well it isn't exactly a pick-up truck, but I have this curious feeling that I should get a pink carnation and drive to the levee ...

Off The Road

Been on it quite a bit lately. In hope, in frustration, in reflection, in anticipation. There will be journeys in a few weeks but now it's time to sit still. Don't suppose that'll stop me, though.

New Game

"Fagin's Gang" was playtested yesterday with some popularity. Stealing is harder than you think. You have to be in the right place at the right time - not easy with the policemen moving you on and the other players stealing your turf. Deceptively simple and frustratingly complex.
A winner.

Rain rain go away come again another day

I suppose it really was a bit much putting the beer festival on Friday the 13th. Asking for it, you might say. Wetter outside than in, and so forth. Still Saturday was nice, made up for it, beer hadn't all run out, with a good band who seemed to have borrowed my record collection at one point. Get your tickets early next year.

And today is St. Swithin's Day. Which is not going to be good news for all those living on flood plains.

Travelling On

The Black Knight returned from the Great Archery Tourney at the Seaside. He unstringed his bow, broke his arrows and burned his quiver. He took off his armour, which had never really fit anyway, and gave it to his squire.

He kept the sword, for he'd need that, and he bought a new lance. He whitewashed the shield and repainted it in rainbow colours. Ready now.

Lances Leaving

The Black Knight turned his horse around for a last look at the Great Castle. From here he could just see the Keep. As the last of the light glinted off his broken lance, a fire could be seen in the Great Hall. It seemed smaller and darker somehow.

The Black Knight sat still for a moment and reflected.

The jousting was complete, the banquet demolished. The parchments were all scribed and the banners furled. Not all the maidens were rescued and not all the dragons slain, and there were a few ghosts left too, but a quest had been made. A promise honoured. The Great Book held the story.

The enchanted cave, off to one side, was silent, waiting for another to carry the Golden Bough. In the twilight it looked more like a tomb. The Black Knight sighed as he remembered his days as a squire. He'd carried the standard once. No more. The flags were bright then, the days long, the armour polished, and the carousing ... oh, the carousing.

In the distance, from the stables, a soft neigh. Or was it imagination? No, it was the wind of change rustling the trees.

The Black Knight dipped his lance briefly in mute (and mock) salute, drew his broadsword and hefted it against an unseen enemy in the night, then galloped off without a backward glance. A mace at his side, an open field, witches in their lair, what else would be found?

There are always more windmills to tilt at.

What have I been doing?

I went to the library and they showed me some books but they didn't teach me how to read.
I went to art college and we built a sculpture because they assumed I knew how to paint.
I went to football academy and we talked about the offside rule but I had to go and practice taking penalties by myself.
I went to a driving instructor and he showed me the highway code but he wouldn't let me drive.
I went to the chess club and we played draughts.
I went to a beauty parlour and they sold me a lipstick but it didn't make me beautiful.
I went to ballet school and they danced for me.
I went to church and they gave me bread and wine but didn't show me how to pray.
I went to the circus and they painted a face on me but I didn't feel like a clown.

So now when I go to the opera I can't sing and when I go to the races I can't ride and when I go shopping I don't know what to buy.

Fool Me Once Shame on You, Fool Me Twice Shame on Me

Aphorism quoted by Captain James T. Kirk but I don't remember the episode title (any geeks listening?). Kirk was not shamed, as he recognised the bluff the second time, but I was. Oops.

Situation is advertised as having character X with (perhaps) a small element of Y, but the reality is rather the other way round - large amount of Y is expected and is in truth the primary objective, while character X is subsidiary, possibly political, and cynically looked at might be a way to give a gloss, a superficial attractiveness, to the otherwise ordinary dullness (and financial rewards) of the tasks demanded in fulfilling element Y so that a better class of applicant might be interested, or so that it might be presented that way. Scent of fish abounds.

The point is that it has happened before (with the same elements X and Y) to me, almost identically. The second time, the bluff has to be more plausibly constructed - quite plausibly, in fact, good job etc - but should I have spotted it? There were some clues that should have been more closely scrutinised (well I was sick).

Any third attempts will be regarded most carefully if they appear to come from God himself.

I did at least find out the true situation, albeit very late in proceedings, and endeavour was not without value. Still somewhat of a disappointment from a seemingly august body of men and women of supposed integrity, not to say faith. But I'm happy not to have got the job (if you can ever say that).

Not Again

Well on the third day I am in recovery from what the doctors call "non-specific not-well-ness". This is apparently a technical term meaning "we don't know what caused it and we can't do anything about it, but there seems to be a lot of it about."

Twenty years in schools gave me an immune response so ferocious that nothing could get a foothold. Not anymore obviously. I have now been unwell twice in seven months when before twice in seven years was unthinkable. It is giving the essay problems. Two days lost to illness and three to interviews all within a fortnight (the last fortnight before the deadline) may cause some delay ...

Vinyl is Back

... how else can one greet the news that the vinyl 7" - how retro is that, thank you Jack White - of Icky Thump sold out at Virgin in less than a week? (OK they didn't exactly get sent hundreds).

And I didn't get one ...

But I did get some operatic metal and some Finnish as well as the new QOTSA and Biffy Clyro, so not entirely a wasted trip. The album of Icky Thump is out tomorrow.

Not so fresh in Bristol

The Fresh Expressions training day has been cancelled due to lack of support. Come on, people, what is going on? Very disappointing.

Nice to Feel Wanted

The application forms and the interview invitations are currently in one-to-one correspondence standing at two each. Well. it's a start, anyway.

The Black Knight

(Cue thundering guitar riff)
Black knight is not right.
I don't feel so bright.
I don't care to sit tight.

Maybe I'll find on the way down the line
That I'm free, free to be me.
Black knight is a long way from home.

Who needs a dark tree?
Who wants a rough sea?

(Chorus:) Black knight, black knight, we don't need a black knight.

I can't see - dark night.
Black knight is a long way from home.

With apologies to Ian Gillan - the master. Who knew?

The Dangers of Speaking with Your Mouth Full

Oh dear, getting behind with the posting. Just a short one for today. Went down the social club and had a very interesting chat with the Secretary of the Temperance Club about the difference between methylated spirits and ethyl alcohol. Unfortunately she was well over the limit herself. Never mind, eh, do as I say and not as I do?

Literary Tricks

(Re)discovered a figure of speech on "Eggheads" yesterday and wanted to compose a few. Two to go on with:

"Time ran out and so did the dog."

"I cleaned out the garage first and the casino second."

Eggheads called it zeugma but Wikipedia says this is syllepsis, a sub-category.

Quiet Day Quotes

"It was my grandfather that taught me how to kill."

"The body is like the benefit system; designed to fail you."

(Contributions welcomed.)

Edit: and the image of the day is M... in his woolly jumper modelling the "drug baron" look.

Suffering Schillebeeckx

(Catching up on Leading Thinkers)

Anyone who gets up the nose of the Pope is all right by me.

Revelation is to be mediated through experience (but not reduced to it). The subjective/objective is a false dichotomy.

Mystery, the unknown, mysterion (Graham and I thought they were in Captain Scarlet, but apparently that was somebody else.)

Rightness of belief must be expressed in a dialectic of theory and experience. God is a transformer (where do all the cartoon references fit in?) Jesus is an eschatological prophet, the paradigm of humanity.

Must live the story of Jesus to know the God of whom Jesus witnesses. Er.

It's all about being connected.

Is he just a 19th Century liberal? Or is he really undermining authority (stop cheering at the back)? And the ontological nature of the priesthood? (More cheers, suppressed.)

And just what is orthopraxis?

Abraham was a Grumpy Old Man

If he wasn't when he started he would have been after a bit, anyway. All that stuff about I've got this promise and then you get a gift and you have to promise to give it back and you don't actually have to in the end what is all that then why can't you just go about it in a straightforward manner, never mind having faith let's just say what we want shall we?

Anyway he went on a journey so I will too. Let's hope we can manage the direct route for once I don't have two hundred years.

Thoughts For the Eve of Ascension Day

The disciples did not know it until the next morning, but today is the day of closure before the start of the next phase. The waiting is finished, the unknowing and unknowable preparation has been done, the spaces are all filled. Even the i's are dotted (forgive the obtrusion). The resolution may be unexpected and shocking to some but it is resolved. Some will be happy, some will be perplexed, some are uncomfortable and inevitably some will misinterpret. How long was it before someone asked "did he really go to heaven?". Not long, I think. And then "did he come from heaven?" And then, and then .. and then the theologians got going.

No matter. The Rubicon is crossed. The gammon is averted. The study is closed. Not resignation, but a new game. The best one in town.

I have seen the sheepdogs learning new tricks.

Recipe for Disaster

Ingredients:
1 bushel of ambition
3 rivers of frustration
2 beating hearts
1 streak of defiance
1 cupful of salvation
2 fishy tails
1 flash of anger
1 well of tears
Lifetime's supply of love
Large dollop of forgiveness
Spark of creativity
Dash of hope
Large quantity of naivety and ignorance

For a really fiery mixture, marinade in a sense of history

Preparation Time: Long

Method:
Beat the ambition, love and frustration together until the skin is tender. Break the hearts and fold in.

Separate the mercy and discard (this can be fed to swine).

Chop the rest of the ingredients into small pieces, carefully remove the peace and add haphazardly.
Stir and stir again. If it does not settle, disinformation may be added.
Important: no respect should be included.

The confusion should be visible on the surface. Don't worry if it's a bit lumpy, it adds relish.

Roast the mixture under a high heat and grill on one side until flaming.
Warning: the mixture may spontaneously combust during this process. That is to be expected and quite normal. If it remains cool, boil the distressed mixture in ashes.

Strain.

Turn out.
Cover up with artificial sweetener.

A mock garnish may be added.

Do not serve.

At Odds With the Church

The radio came on this morning with the Today story about a Catholic priest, much loved by his flock, who has been removed from his post because he has broken the rules of the church. He got married. Another priest, his friend apparently, said that the rules must be obeyed because without the rules they would not be Catholics they would be Protestants or Jews. Perish the thought.

So Father Leon is not recognised as a priest because he sees a higher way. I wonder how he feels.

Pain and Healing

It is too easy to write comforting words about healing. Anyone can write a cosy 15-minute sermon about the story in John's Gospel of Jesus healing the man at the poolside. Wrap it up in a comforting theology.

That gives the impression that healing is always available; that Jesus is there with a sticking plaster to make it all well again. Well of course he is available, but sometimes the sticking plaster is not the right treatment. To assume this is to assume that healing is always the correct answer, that it is natural for humans to feel whole. That not being healed is due to lack of faith, or worse.

But it is human to feel pain and to continually experience it. And although it is tempting, attractive, to want to cure the pain, it is necessary sometimes to face the pain, to endure it, to live it. We develop all sorts of strategies to deal with pain. We distract ourselves, we deny it, we suppress it, we ignore it. But it is still there. So sometimes we face it. And to re-examine old pains, of bereavement, of loss, of rejection is also sometimes necessary - for although they (appear to) fade they do not go away.

So when someone tells you their pain, do not try to cure it. Just listen to it and share the dark place, and feel privileged that they have chosen you. And when you have your pain, do not look for solutions and potions. But find a friend who will share it with you, who will not ask anything of you, who will not try to do anything to you, who will not be embarrassed if you cry, or rage, or sigh, but who will affirm you in your pain. And value that friend.

And remember that pain brings growth and that growth is always painful.

The Song of Cassandra

I sought Fletcher but found Metzke.
I tried to be Twain and Eliot but turned into Queen.
I am Winston's friend aged twenty-three.

You need a long spoon to study the work of fiction that is the Bible; old conversations echo through time.
To step through the looking-glass you must speak Latin backwards. Then it is just the same.
Where are you, Leo?

Can you hear me, Jane?

Break the pot. Shatter it against the wall. Grind it underfoot until none remains. The image persists.

It's time to leave Kansas.

Personality Crisis (The New York Dolls)

When you go down the rabbit hole you come back a different person. Alice knows that and so does Grace.
But do you come back ten feet small or ten inches tall?
And does it matter?

Waiting, Hoping, Believing

The holy trinity. Which is the hardest?

Rahner Rocks!

This week's leading thinker is Karl Rahner, the antithesis of Barth. Whereas Barth says all revelation comes from God and there's no other place to start from (or to receive anything) Rahner says it's the very nature of being human that enables you to be aware of God.

In one fell swoop he does away with proofs and he solves the Chalcedon paradox in a very creative but Scripturally sound way! The divine and the human are not a dichotomy but intimately complementary. Vorgriff auf esse indeed.

Slogans:

To live Him is to know Him.

Knowledge is Mysticism.

Secularism diminishes Humanity. Spirituality enhances it. (Poor old Dawkins, doing exactly the wrong thing again.)

We do not seek to dominate but to be suffused by. Eucharist is not an incursion but a manifestation (an epiphany???) Just need to make sure that not too much gets in under the net. Need to assert the uniqueness of Christ before we fall into nirvana-seeking. Yet nirvana-seeking isn't too far away?

Bit concerned about deeming people to be within "the Church" and that phrase was a bit too lightly used.

Oh yes. What is wrong with Schleiermacher? barely allowed to mention his name. Maybe we get there in a bit.

What Do You Want From Me?

Sweettalkinhandholdinsoftwalkin
hairgoldencoolprayinsafeleadin
homestayinmilkfeedinloudswearintrashshoutin
sloganwearinbringoutinsmartmouthinlovegivin?

Values

Speech is silver
and
Silence is golden
but
Listening is diamond set in platinum.

Mixed Messages

If the church you're in starts singing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

With apologies to Roger Waters

Books For Men

If you go into [name of famous Christian bookshop deleted] you will find a section on feminist theolgy. A large vibrant challenging section at a convenient browsing height.

Tucked away on the bottom shelf (Freudian?) you will find a tiny, rather apologetic, "men's section".

Well it's right to be apologetic about it.

Whereas the feminist section is full of affirming, inspiring, provocative, positive stuff the books for blokes are appalling.

They fall into two types.

The first type is about sex. Not having any, to be precise. How it's a real problem, how you have to pray harder and harder every day and how you can never truly succeed because the danger of falling away is always present and defeat is always round the corner (there's probably a witty turn of phrase here, but it won't come). Even Stephen Fry would find them hard going. Dispiriting, insulting, repetitive, strident books. Who writes whole books about this? Yes it's an issue, men are obsessed by sex, but come on, give us a break, change the record, can't you say anything uplifting, a whole book?

Still the feminists may say there is a need for such books. They won't say that about the second type. They'll do more than that - if they knew they existed they probably would want to burn the shop down.

For the second type says that the man is the head of the household and it's all his responsibility to keep his wife from falling into sin, for she can't do it herself, she's too weak and it's only to be expected that if he relinquishes control, the household will go to hell (literally). He is to be her teacher, her instructor, her example and yes her disciplinarian. I kid you not. Woman can only be saved one at a time by her strong man, who shows no weakness.

Per-lease. The first type is insulting to men, the second type to women.

So, can someone try and write us a truly masculinist theology book, please? Just one?

Dangerous Element

No-one ever shouts Water! Earth! Air!

Fire!

That's the destructive one. So a flash flood or a mud slide can be massively destructive but they follow the geography. The fire will burn whatever it finds in any direction. The air must be polluted or thin to be a hazard - pure oxygen is dangerous because of the fire hazard. In a tunnel, the fire is the most dangerous, creating choking smoke and forcing you away.

The blonde may be glamorous and the brunette sultry, but the redhead is fiery and that's her attraction.

Rivers are watchable when they are gentle and babbling, air when it is fluffy clouds and rustling in the trees and earth - when it's a placid pasture? But fire is more exciting and fascinating the more out of control it gets.

The Holy Spirit came in tongues of fire.

We splash about in the water, we take the air for granted, we might have a mud-fight when we're small, but we all love playing with fire.

Flaming Effervescence
Igniting Iridescence
Rock'n'roll Radiance
Emerging Evanescence.

Set The Controls For the Heart of the Outback

Wonderful digeridoo sound.

Also:
The Great Gig in the Sea.
Wish You Were a Kangaroo.
The Lunatics are on the Grass.
Time and Money.
We Don't Need No ...
Astronomy Domine but no Interstellar Overdrive
and no Gnomes.

Thanks to Bruce and Sheila.
To find where they come from, go here

It's Oh So Quiet

Come on, you didn't really think so, did you?

If I appear to have been quiet recently, you haven't been in my car. I was suddenly struck by the number of magazines there are now for metalheads. There used to be just Kerrang! and Metal Hammer, but now there's Terrorizer, Powerplay, er, Rock Sound and there's even some coverage in Classic Rock, and I think I've missed one even so. This is a whole subculture. And I want to explore and see what I like.

So I've been playing the free CDs you get from these mags in my car. Loud. Including Norwegian and Finnish, thrashpunk, sleaze, metalcore, emo, stoner, sub-genres and sub-sub-genres, from guys who stand around a lot wearing black and looking broody, and not a few who look like they need a hot meal and a bath (that's the girls).

There used to be Anthrax and Slayer but they're a bit touchy-feely these days.

Alexisonfire, Dimmu Borgir, Dark Tranquility, Dead Man in Reno, Wednesday 13, The Poodles (er how did they get in?), Draconian, - you get the idea.

Now some of it (well quite a lot of it, actually) still sounds like screaming over noise, but there's quite a lot of decent stuff.

Anyway the results should be coming to a CD near you soon.

13 is a Lucky Number

Oops I'm 15 minutes late. Now I have to look for some lace.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

One disaster after another but we are getting there. This time tomorrow we might be back to normal?

It's All In the Game

Results from the Centerparcs games convention:

Field Archery - won easily by Tim.
Ten-Pin Bowling - Tim won 2-1 but Paul claimed the highest 10-frame score and was leading in both unfinished games.
Table-Tennis - Chris an easy winner.
Wine Tasting - Indecisive is perhaps the kindest word.
The boardgames tournament didn't run, weather disrupted the Adventure Golf, and the chess challenge was refused.
A Special Mention for Dedication to Exercise, especially bike-riding (known colloquially as "The Angela") is awarded to Doreen.

Communication Breakdown

Last time we went away for a few days we found the email had switched itself off and we lost 8 days of messages. This time we came back to the phone not working. At this rate next time we'll come back having lost the power of speech.

At least the glass has all been cleaned up.

Praying

Thinking

The Good Thing About Banging Your Head Against A Brick Wall

It's really nice when you stop.

Interesting?

Isn't it funny how the folk you never hear from and compete with you and make fun of you are your true friends, and those who profess to care for you treat you like dirt when it suits them? Who woud you rather be with?

When something is broken you have to ask whether it's worth fixing or whether you should just grind the pieces even smaller until there's no trace at all.

It's Good to Be the Star not the Dummy

Now I've got that out of the way I can go back through the week.

Yesterday, Woodpusher 3 was suddenly the hero of the night (in contrast to the first half of the season); with the scores tied and the last game lost, a swindle turned it around for an important win. Everyone played their part; playing a man down two wins and three draws gets a result.

Not Listening, Not Listening, Lah Lah Lah

What do you do when you tell someone something and they don't hear you? Do you shout louder, or give up talking to them? You can lose your voice shouting.

What do you when they are rude to you all the time? Listen carefully, or ignore it?

What do you do when they tell you what already know about how you should be, but they don't do it themselves? Is it worth listening to them?

When they tell you all your faults, should you tell them theirs, in the hope they can hear you?

When they tell you that they know best, but what they tell you is false, how do you behave? Search for the truth?

What do you do when you are fully alive in one place, and half-dead in another? Avoid the whited sepulchre?

Seminar Day

Today I am going to learn about druids. Whether I shall learn anything about the Chalcedonian position vis-a-vis physicalism, I don't know.

The Green-Eyed Monster

So I've been trying to do what I challenged the folk at Badminton Road to do, to look at one Deadly Sin every day and see how I'm doing.

And I've got to Envy. Which I thought wasn't a problem.

Except that some people have really interesting creative asignments which inspire and enthuse them, and some of us have really dull essays to do which no-one could be interested in writing, or reading, unless they have to.

Hmph.

Returning to a Previous Life

Did something yesterday I haven't done for two and a half years. I taught a mathematics class (three in fact, five hours total). Just like riding a bike - you don't forget.

Was it fun? Yes. Will I do it again? Yes (next Monday). Have I missed doing it? No. Will I mind if I don't do it again? No.

Also this week - planned a service I didn't attend - first time ever; played chess - first since Christmas - won! - first this season; went to a Lent group - first in a dozen years; validation panel for Local Preachers - first ever.

A varied week. As will next week be.

Hymns for a Service

Here is what we chose:

Silent Night, Holy Night

Come Holy Spirit, Quickening Dove

God of Love and Truth and Beauty

As Your Family, Lord, See Us Here

Jesus, If Still The Same Thou Art

Works for me ....

Two Does Go Into One, If You Squeeze It a Bit

A popular fantasy staple, from the Belgariad onwards, is The Man With Two Lives. The main difference between them and me, I think, is that they usually do it sequentially, whereas I seem to be doing it in parallel.

Which is why I end up writing this at this time of night. Still, it isn't dull.

Competition Time

I think I can blow my own trumpet for once (but not my own psaltery - cymbals or tambourine would do). Our team of three has just won the Fairtrade Quiz Night. Apparently there was great excitement in the marking booth when we overtook our main rivals in the penultimate round - the Bible round. In which it did help to get the 12 disciples, the three temptations, the greatest commandment, the last book of the Old Testament and the man with the talking donkey. Sadly we only got two of the instruments in Psalm 150. Can anyone confirm that the psaltery is a form of lyre? Nor did we get the Gospel with two feedings of the multitude or the number of times Paul was shipwrecked.

Particular kudos also to Rachel for the Number 1 single and recognising the Black-Eyed Peas and to Angela for knowing where Augusta is. A lucky guess got us when Nelson Mandela was released and we were close with the release of Tears in Heaven.

New Organisation

I wonder what the record is for being kicked out of the ordained ministry. I think I may be about to break it, not even being there yet. I have just formed, with a young man from my church, the CRCS - the Campaign to Reform the Covenant Service.

What he said was, actually: "Let's you and me sit down and rewrite the Covenant Service in language that means something to folk today." And I said "OK." And then I pointed out that the words are selected by Conference and that I am under (or will be) the discipline of Conference. And then we decided to still go for it. So I am going to potentially be in a lot of trouble. Hey.

Reflection

Why am I suddenly reminded of the Neil Diamond song I Am ... I Said?

Hide and Seek

Lady Fuschia and the Lion went to play in the garden and who should turn up but Chicken-Little, who they hadn't seen in ages. So they invited him to join in their game. But he wasn't very good at it and never knew where to look, while Lady Fuschia, even if she didn't get it first time could usually get the right sort of area.

But they didn't make fun of Chicken-Little and still tried to include him by not hiding in very difficult places. And Chicken-Little knew he had some good friends.

The Golden Bough

In order to be admitted to the Sacred Cave on the Island of Dreams, a Knight must acqure a fragment of the Golden Bough; without this entrance is refused. To obtain his personal token, he must travel to the Glade of Unkown Dreams and confront the mysterious Mindstealers.

The Glade is a secret area in the deepest, darkest part of the Connected Forest and is protected from all sides by the Fog of Unknowing, for the Mindstealers jealously guard their secrets. It is not known how many there are in the tribe, for they are shapeshifters and appear in different forms at different times. - sometimes as an evil, flesh-eating troll who regards the brain of a Knight as a particular delicacy, but they can also appear as beautiful maidens (who are reputed, howver, to appear in this way to catch doughty adventurers off guard) or as wise women.

Sometimes the Mindstealer who is summoned (by the Psychic Horn) will warmly present a branch to a traveller and sometimes it must be wrestled from his grasp in a terrifying ordeal. On a few occasions the Mindstealer will present an additional gift. Such was the reward offered to Dances With Snakes.

Bad Manners

Now then. There was I thinking that if you spotted a flaw or a weakness in, or a mistake made by, a Christian brother, the pastorally sensitive and caring thing to do would be to quietly and directly let them know without embarrassing them in front of their peers, so that they can get on and correct their mistake.

Instead it seems that the correct thing to do is to get a third person, who is not and should not be involved, and indeed who has no business knowing, to do it (and also thereby to embarrass that third person). Somewhat unprofessional, it seems to me.

It is particularly important to be sensitive when you do not have all the facts. These should always be carefully checked before you "go public".

Of course, making direct contact also enables you to be helpful. Clearly this is not something a Christian needs to be bothered about either.

It seems I am learning all the time.