Book: A source of information. Bit like a computer but smaller.
Magazine: A source of gossip. Bit like the internet but much smaller.
Lecture: Like a book but with the interesting bits taken out and idle chit-chat added.
Professor: Someone who has written a book and will read it to you for a fee.
Lecturer: Someone who has read a book and would like to write one.
Associate Lecturer: Someone who has read a book but will never write one.
Assistant Lecturer: Someone who has heard of books.
Guest Lecturer: Someone with a new book out, esp. one not selling well.
Essay: Something copied from a book.
Masters essay: Something copied from three books.
Academic essay: Something copied from a dusty book.
Thesis: Something which everyone pretends is not copied from books.
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